Turkey Boxing and the First Thanksgiving

A lot of legend and folklore are often told of the first Thanksgiving, but one story often gets looked over. That’s the tale of the very first turkey tenderizing boxing match. On that day as the Indians gathered with the Pilgrims, an argument erupted between Big John the local bear fighter… and Large Pete the town’s rock smasher.

It was a simple fight over who was the strongest, yet neither could agree on how to test each other’s strength. Big John wanted fight some bears to while Large Pete would only agree to smashing rocks. As it was, both were manly, tough men with good intentions but both were also dumber than mud as they could not agree on how to settle this simple argument. They were also becoming fairly annoying to everyone else at the gathering as they yelled, and pounded on tables for nearly an hour.

Something had to be done. Finally one of the cooks had an idea. “Why not settle this with a boxing match?”, she yelled. The two stopped at a dead stare with fire burning in their eyes towards each other. They both roared, “Ok!”

And so the two immediately squared off to begin the bout. But just as the cook was going to bang her pan to begin the fight, Large Pete’s wife rushed in and screamed, “Don’t hurt my Petey’s beautiful face! I love him!!”

Large Pete looked at his wife and then to Big John and said, “Alright, we need some gloves.”

“But we don’t have any gloves, Pete.” Said Big John.

That’s when the cook had another brilliant idea. She immediately tossed into the ring four prepped turkeys waiting to be tenderized. “There’s your gloves! Now get this over with so we can eat.”, said the Cook.

And so Big John and Large Pete dawned their turkey boxing gloves and squared off. The cook banged her pot and the fight began. The fight only lasted one round as all had anticipated. Everyone knew that bears were way tougher than rocks and that Large Pete had no chance. Big John landed two blows right away, and knocked him to the ground unconscious.

As Big John reveled in his victory, the Indians and Pilgrims cheered for the winner and rejoiced as all their thanksgiving meats had been tenderized in the manliest of ways. And that’s the tale of Turkey Boxing and the First Thanksgiving.